“Promise you’ll never leave me.”
A whisper, two teenagers giggling over a fire. It was late, the rest of the house had gone to bed hours ago, when Radha and Karli made their pact over hot chocolate mixed with stolen alcohol, falling faster for each other than the rain pattering outside. The two girls linked pinkies, painted nails stark on brown skin, as they made their vow.
“Nothing on this earth could ever make me leave you.”
The small town looked the same to Radha, roads lined in snow as she knocked on her family’s house. Greeted with smiles and hugs, she forgot for a moment why she was back, enjoying the comforts of home. The smell of cookies emptied her brain as Radha exchanged gossip with her sister, learning all about the newest tales from the town, as Adian, her brother, listened intently, also home for the first time in months.
“... It must be weird to be back for Karli’s wedding of all things, I never thought I’d see the day to be fair…” Mari was going on, a small line in the rapid fire conversation only her sister could hold, not noticing the smile slip from her sister’s lips.
The rest of the conversation fell away, Radha’s racing thoughts replacing racing words./p>
“I should unpack some stuff,” Radha tried to let herself get back to her former self, but there was an edge to her smile now. “I’m sure you’ve got homework to get to.”
A quick hug to her parents and mediocre excuses later, Radha finally escaped to the quiet of her old room. The room was still as it was the last time she was there, visiting often enough that there was no need to turn it into something else. The same vinyals hung over her desk, the same anime prints over her bed, the same fairy lights snaking around the room. There was comfort in the familiarity, comfort Radha took with open arms. Flopping onto her bed, she just let herself think for the first time in days.
A wedding huh… Her ‘best friend’s’ wedding…
“You ok?” Radha’s thoughts were interrupted, Adian quietly knocking on her door, leaning on the doorframe like they were teenagers again.
“The girl I was in love with most of my life is getting married in a week.” Radha let out a harsh chuckle. “I’m doing fantastic.”
“You could have said you were busy with work or something. This is a new level of self torture.” Empathy lined Adian’s eyes as he laughed softly, picking at the paint on his nails.
“I promised I would always be there.” Radha sighs, still staring at the ceiling. “I promised I would leave her. I refuse to break my promise.”
“Even if it’s killing you inside.”
“Even then.” Radha sat up, body heavy. “We’re so close, she invited me to her wedding, everyone still thinks we’re best friends.. I can’t not go Di. Too many people will talk. And I would never want that for her… for either of us.”
“Take care of yourself at least Thia, don’t let it get too bad.” Adian gave her a knowing look before walking out, leaving Radha to contemplate life in peace. So she closed her door, put on some music and screamed as loud as she could into her pillow, cursing her younger self’s promise.
“Trust me, I could never hurt you, I promised!.”
Karli’s words were said between giggling, a pillow thrown at her head, Radha laughing at the opposite side of the bed. The orange and pinks of sunset poured through the window, homework open yet untouched, making the girls glow. Radha sat up, leaning over to where Karli sat, placing a soft kiss to her lips. The giggly tone was replaced with something sweet, honey sweet as Radha’s lips left Karli’s.
“I know my love.”
It was killing her. Every moment Radha spent dealing with any kind of wedding preparation made her wish more and more that she had just stayed in the city, gossip be damned. The entire process was driving her insane, the smiling and small talk clouded by the utter heartbreak of faking happiness for her former girlfriend.
Not that that word was ever uttered, but it was understood. That’s what the two girls were to each other for so long, until the shattering realization that secrets only bore heartache. Radha shook her head, bringing herself back to the present.
“Radha!” A voice called out from one of the booths in the corner of the cafe, Karli’s sweet voice accompanied with a wave, no trace of any of their broken past in her tone.
Radha plastered on a smile and continued on, determined to get through this weekend without an incident. She had always been the more forgiving of the two, the blank canvas compared to Karli’s rainbow of emotions. It was one of the reasons she loves her, in whatever way their love manifested now.
“It’s been so long.” Radha said, hoping her voice didn’t betray any of the emotions she was feeling. The hurt, the built up resentment from years of not seeing the person who was supposed to be her best friend. She couldn’t let Karli know how much it stung, to be at her ex-girlfriend's wedding.
“I know!” Karli was full of excitement, any resentment she may have disintegrated into pure joy in seeing her closest friend for the first time in years. “How’s everything?”
They ordered, the same orders from when they were just stupid teens on dates both of them membered too vividly, and Karli lauched into a million questions. Despite the time and the old hurt, everything came back quickly. The easy banter, the quick responses, the high school memories. Suddenly they were 16 years old again and full of excitement, not 22 and scared by what their relationship had become. By the time their drinks were almost done, they were working in an easy rhythm. Until Karli brought up the wedding.
“Oh by the way, my final dress fitting in tommrow, and I would love it if you were there.” Karli’s eyes were pleading, like she expected to hear a no. But Radha couldn’t do that to her, it was like it was coded into her dna to help.
So instead of the rant that came to mind, Radha took a breath, and smiled the same smile she wore into the building.
“Of course.”
“We could leave.” Radha said, eyes focused to the stars affixed to Karli’s ceiling.
“What?” Karli looked up from her homework, taken aback by the suggestion.
“We could go anywhere! We have the grades to go to uni wherever we want. To live wherever we want.” Radha’s face was lit in excitement, thinking of all the possibilities.
“Maybe.” Was all Karli said, a small smile hidden as she continued with her work.
‘This town is like the night sky, the blues and blacks overlayed with bright stars and the glowing moon.’ The first sentence already brought back memories of her teenage self, looking out the same window as now.
The letter was one she had never sent, opting to have the hard conversation the letter would avoid. It sat in her desk, unread until this moment.
‘It’s like a stage set, beautiful, idyllic and suffocating. Pretty to look into but impossible to grow in. I thought you were the key to the outside but you were the picture I always wanted to escape into.’ Radha was crying, tears she refused to shed back when the note was written.
‘I can’t stay here. I need to continue this play, to let the next set take its place. And if you won’t come with me, then I have to say goodbye.’
‘Don’t make me say goodbye.’
Radha put her head down on the desk and let herself cry, the note still there, as the rain poured down outside. A mirror reflection of what she was feeling.
The next morning felt like a dream. Breakfast went by quickly, her parents and brother needing to get to work, her sister out with her friends doing who knows what. It quickly left Radha alone in the house, the empty space suffocating. Karli’s fitting was at 1pm, leaving almost a full day of nothingness. Back at school, Radha would go out to eat or to study or do anything. But here the confines of the silent house was miles more appealing than being asked questions that she had no intention of answering from people she only wished to escape from. Radha was a small town cliche, wanting to get out as quickly as humanly possible. Unfortunately for her, not many others shared her sentiment, leading to a lot of unfortunate conversations when she got into Uni a state away. She refused to be taken by her past, the whispers all too loud as she worked
The fitting was the 2pm, leaving the entire next morning
[more stuff happens in here, i just need to WRITE]
It was a bad idea, this was something Radha knew. It was painted in bright red ink all over her vision as they stumbled into Karli’s room.
“You’re getting married this week.” Radha said, holding back and breathing heavy.
Karli just smiled, looking Radha in the eye.
“Say the word and I’ll call it all off. The wedding, everything.”
Radha opened her mouth to object, to say anything. She didn’t get to say a word before Karli lifted her eyes to meet hers, breathing so heavy Karli’s words came out breathless.
“Don’t think. If you want me tell me. Tell me you want me as much as I want you, as much as I’ve wanted you since we were 17 and dumb.” Karli looked right into Radha’s eyes as she continued. “Tell me I’m still yours and I will. Tell me you have an ounce of regret and I’ll give you the world. Don’t think. Just talk.”
So for the first time in her life, Radha didn’t stop to think or question her own words.
“I want you. I need you. Let me have you again.”